THIS RANT TRANSLATED INTO THE MODERN VERNACULAR BY P. BOOGALOO

Things were a fuck of a lot easier 500 years ago. If someone pissed you off, you killed the bastard. We all did it. Hell, it's a wonder anyone survived. That was your day: up in the morning, check the conspiracies against you, kill them before they kill you, and home by supper. In a good week, you could bag a brace of bastards, a cocksucker or two, seven or eight dickheads -- not to mention a few pheasant and maybe a wild boar. And the best part was killing your servants... just to keep sharp.

I miss those days. The world is now flush with conspirators, bastards, cocksuckers and dickheads. No one has servants these days; and more's the pity. Servants would wipe your bottom, dress you, fetch you things (including the weapons of their own demise), and offer their daughters to you on Bank Holidays. These days? P'shaw. Seems that everyone -- no matter how brain dead -- has the 'right' to live.

Ha! Back in my day, most people thought tomatoes were poisonous. Fucking morons. It didn't take a genius to figure out that it was the lead plates and cookware that did the damage. Me, I ate tomatoes straight off the vine, gorged m'self silly... nada problem. Ah, sweet Jeebers, I used to taunt my enemies with tomatoes. I'd say: "Here. Watch me eat a few." And they covered their eyes. They were mortified. And then I'd say: "Okay, your turn." (Of course, I'd laced their tomatoes with cat shit and fish bones.) The puking was a marvel. Hugely entertaining. Then I shot them with a crossbow.

Hey, I'm just saying....

I'm glad I'm dead. People these days simply have no idea.