Why is the world aghast at this? Thirteen is the perfect age for fatherhood. Plus, our wee man Alfie will likely be a grandfather at twenty-three... assuming his daughter rides the intelligence curve and gets herself knocked up when she's ten. (That'll certainly entertain the chaps down at the old Cock and Twat every night before last call.) And finances? Hell, the offers are pouring in.

In my day, 'twas not unusual for this to happen. In fact, it was encouraged. A man could never have too many heirs.... Which means Alfie and the lovely Mrs. Alfie will doubtless be trying for a boy this year. Best of luck, my lad. I see a Knighthood in your future.